People that scare me, Ep. II: A Barrage of Scoffage

People who love tennis
This is a brand new inside joke from this very blog you are reading. Good news is, you can totally get in on it by reading some old posts and comments. My ground-breaking research has concluded that people who love tennis may not be very trustworthy.

People who don't get sarcasm
This is mainly an issue of personal safety. The reason why I'm afraid of them a little bit is that, if they don't understand sarcasm, they're going to think I'm being serious. Which in turn means they think I am really mean, and they may want to hurt me. Well, wait....I am a little bit mean sometimes. I do enjoy making fun of people. I am making fun of them right now actually, so they do have a reason to be upset. Alright, whatever, bring it on. I have a large stockpile of witty insults at the ready, and basketball is my favorite sport. #(inside joke alert!!)#

People who can't use chopsticks
And it isn't just that they can't, it's that they are also afraid to try because they think they'll be bad at it. Be bad at....what, exactly? Manipulating two tiny sticks with your fingers? Not only is this a "skill" that is easily mastered with about five minutes of this thing called effort, but it is also fairly inconsequential if you slip up while you're learning. No "epic fails" on this one, really. Thus, it is sort of a ridiculous thing to waste fear and pride on.

Hey, anti-chopstickers: It is actually making you look worse by not trying, but you are so self-conscious you can't even leave yourself open to eight seconds of possible humiliation. Yep we're waiting. We're all sitting here, thinking "Oh, she can't use chopsticks, but she is going to try. Oh, here she goes--stop everything and watch! This is going to be so humiliating for the minute that she is learning. EPIC FAIL!"

I take it back. There are epic fails in Chopstickland.
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Does it help if I tell you that you're using extremely similar motions and coordination as sending a text message? Same fingers, same muscles, that whole hand-eye coordination bit that we also use to eat with "regular" utensils. "I just need regular utensils...." Tell me what is so irregular about chopsticks. The fact that they've been around for much, much longer than forks?

If you are seriously incapable of the usage of chopsticks as a utensil, there is a myriad of other things I am going to say right now that I think you are incapable of: braiding hair, writing very quickly with a large pen, playing Super Mario World or Metal Gear Solid to completion, clicking a mouse....and therefore other things, driving a car (that's a big one!), flicking someone in the eyeball, shooting a straw wrapper off the end of a straw, shampooing your hair, tying your shoes, paper-clipping shit, cutting shit with scissors, and placing your hand under your chin and then tapping the side of your face with your pointer finger like you are thinking of something devious or philosophical (that's an important one, too.)

Valid excuses: injuries to the extremities that prevent utensil usage, being five years old. Otherwise, suck it up, shove that wood between your fingers, and figure out your life. I'll be waiting with a camera for when you humiliate yourself.

P.S. You may be wondering about the video game examples I chose. While some things I say may be a tad random, these were actually very well thought out choices. Firstly, there is that Cheesebridge bit in Super Mario World, where you have to fly under the "final gate" of the world. But you have about an inch of error (which is a completely irrelevant term to measure with since everyone has different sizes of TVs! But for me it was an inch) between dropping off the bottom of the screen and thus, dying, or accidentally hitting the tape on the gate and finishing the level without unlocking the secret. So it becomes this sickening, suicidal rampage for which you had better have eighty lives stockpiled, until you can master a maneuver that requires every ounce of hand-eye coordination you can muster, and every little button on that sweet little controller.

Metal Gear Solid is a bit more straight-forward. There is a scene where you (as Solid Snake) get captured, whether you like it or not (right after the epic Sniper Wolf showdown, so you are coming off of a nice video game adrenaline-induced high and they just kill it--wtf?) and you are tortured. You have to tap the shit out of alternating buttons to "survive" the torture and not crack. If you give in, they kill some chick that I don't think Snake was all that fond of to begin with? Anyway, if you don't puss out, he rides off into the sunset on a snowmobile with a typical big-breasted, Japanese video game heroine that is way too young for the Solid. Otherwise, he rides off with the nerdy, socially inept scientist who unwillingly programmed the Metal Gear killing machine prototype that you just fucking destroyed. And it's awkward...

You probably weren't wondering. But now you know.

Fakewords: #chopstickers, #Chopstickland, #Cheesebridge, #wtf